May 2000

Subject: I've learned -
Wednesday, May 31, 2000

If you recognize yourself in any of the situations below, you're in real trouble.
On the other hand, if you do, chances are that you don't care anyway.

Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing " Silent Night".......
___________________________
Age 7
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
__________________________
Age 9
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
__________________________
Age 12
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
________________________
Age 14
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
________________________
Age 15
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
________________________
Age 16
I have always wondered why someone says they care for you and then tells you that things are not working out.
________________________
Age 24
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
________________________
Age 26
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
________________________
Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
________________________
Age 39
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
________________________
Age 42
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
________________________
Age 44
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
________________________
Age 47
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
________________________
Age 48
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
________________________
Age 49
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
________________________
Age 50
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
________________________
Age 51
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
________________________
Age 52
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
________________________
Age 53
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
_______________________
Age 58
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
________________________
Age 61
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
________________________
Age 62
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
________________________
Age 64
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt in both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
________________________
Age 65
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
________________________
Age 72
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
________________________
Age 75
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
________________________
Age 82
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
________________________
Age 85
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
________________________
Age 92
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
________________________
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. I've learned if you want to help someone you care about, do it now, as actions speak louder than words (especially later excuses).

Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide

Thursday, May 25, 2000

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.	Symptom:	Bar blurred.
Fault:	Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.	Fault:	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution:	Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.	Solution:	Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear.	Symptom:	Bar moving.
Fault:	Glass is empty.	Fault:	You are being carried out.
Solution:	Find someone who will buy you another pint.	Solution:	Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom:	Feet cold and wet.	Symptom:	Bar looks like a circus.
Fault:	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Fault:	You're at a circus.
Solution:	Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.	Solution:	Go to a bar.

Symptom:	Feet warm and wet.	Symptom:	The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault:	Loss of self-control.	Fault:	You have fallen over backwards.
Solution:	Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.	Solution:	If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom:	Lap cool and wet.	Symptom:	Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts.
Fault:	Drooling on yourself.	Fault:	You have fallen over forwards.
Solution:	Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.	Solution:	Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom:		Everything has gone dim.
Fault:		The pub is closing.
Solution:		PANIC!!

The Devil's Sister -
Wednesday May 24, 2000

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit. The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

Subway -
Wednesday May 24, 2000

Ask yourself why the New York City subway system, alone of all the mass transit systems in the world, has maps inside rather than outside the trains. It's to force you to get on the wrong train in order to find out where you're going... You decipher the map to discover that the first step in reaching your destination is to get off the wrong train at the next stop. -- Calvin Trillin

Amish Phone Call -
Friday, May 26, 2000

It was tragic. They arrested an Amish man and put him in jail. Think about it. It's terrible. It's worse than me and you. Take him down there. Give him that one phone call. Who the hell is he going to call? None of his friends have telephones. -- Mario Joyner

Tim's Grocery Store

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"