Hal's Stories

Older Hal's Hilarious Histories can be seen with the link at the bottom of this page.

Need a lift? -
Friday June 9, 2000

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. So he stuck his thumb out...and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED -
Sunday, 4 Jun 2000

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you
     like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by
     morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled,
     or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name
     to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where
     it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.
     Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap
     that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
     Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know
      whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your
      mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this
      song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry,
      you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
      those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body -- especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
      only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution? Slippery When
      Wet? Dangerous Curves Ahead? Yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think
      he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back
      while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere
      I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only
      one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on
      you , I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that
      someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag